Category Archives: marriage

I lost my fight. I defeated myself.

Let’s jump in. Shall we?
I have been married 2 years. Remarried. About a year….. year and a half ago, I became kind of depressed…. or something. I wasn’t myself. Couldn’t control my mood….. crazy. Pathetic. I saw my doctor, who said I had “situational depression”. Who doesn’t… lol… right? It was just out of control.
Around this same time, my new husband and I were fighting. About what… no clue. Something stupid. We got in a fight at my doctors office. He swore I was crazy…. my doctor prescribed me some medicine to help with the emotions. The crying, the crazy, the can’t do anything right. He said, “it’s awful that I have to medicate you for your husband’s personality flaws”. Agreed.
But it’s what I needed.
He also ordered blood work… if nothing else to prove I was healthy.
And…. healthy.
So healthy my doctor commented that he didn’t think he had ever given anyone such good results from a blood test.

Fast forward. 
A few weeks ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was numb. I lost my passion for life. For trying. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t wear wrinkled oversized sweat suits to work every day. I still brush my teeth. But…. he talks to me like I’m dirt. He messes up the house. He allows his children to do the same. My home is a disaster. My heart hurts. He does all these things that I don’t think he used to do. He doesn’t do things that he did do. He tells me what to do in every situation. If I talk about work, he tells me how to do my job too. He has no training in my profession! If I say up, he says down.  If I say it’s black, he says it’s white. HAVE I BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK?!
I lost my fight.
But I defeated myself.
What the hell is wrong with me?
It’s best to keep the peace, I would tell myself. I love him, and he loves me. We all have to work together. That’s right! WE ALL DO.  I stopped taking my medicine about a week and a half ago.
I am waking up.