This morning I sat in bed. I wrote to you. I explained to you how I felt, and told you that it wasn’t your fault. I wrote for over an hour as I cried and poured out my feelings. Then as it came to a close, I began to imagine your reaction. What would it be? When would it be? Where would I be when it happened? Even though I don’t know your reaction…. I know enough to know what mine would be in return. Another ruined day. Another day of my children seeing me miserable, unhappy, and lifeless.
Another day of numbness because I have become the dogs of Pavlov. I deleted the letter. Now I’m sitting here. Emotionless.
I’m choking myself down. He doesn’t even have to respond. He doesn’t even have to read it. He doesn’t have to be bothered with this. Or me.
I am doing it to myself.
He thinks I’m happy go lucky when he’s not here. He thinks I’m all mani, pedi, and lunch with friends, carefree and living life.
But in reality, it’s 11 am on Sunday, and I’m still in bed. Crying. Scared to move.
Let’s jump in. Shall we?
I have been married 2 years. Remarried. About a year….. year and a half ago, I became kind of depressed…. or something. I wasn’t myself. Couldn’t control my mood….. crazy. Pathetic. I saw my doctor, who said I had “situational depression”. Who doesn’t… lol… right? It was just out of control.
Around this same time, my new husband and I were fighting. About what… no clue. Something stupid. We got in a fight at my doctors office. He swore I was crazy…. my doctor prescribed me some medicine to help with the emotions. The crying, the crazy, the can’t do anything right. He said, “it’s awful that I have to medicate you for your husband’s personality flaws”. Agreed.
But it’s what I needed.
He also ordered blood work… if nothing else to prove I was healthy.
So healthy my doctor commented that he didn’t think he had ever given anyone such good results from a blood test.
A few weeks ago, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was numb. I lost my passion for life. For trying. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t wear wrinkled oversized sweat suits to work every day. I still brush my teeth. But…. he talks to me like I’m dirt. He messes up the house. He allows his children to do the same. My home is a disaster. My heart hurts. He does all these things that I don’t think he used to do. He doesn’t do things that he did do. He tells me what to do in every situation. If I talk about work, he tells me how to do my job too. He has no training in my profession! If I say up, he says down. If I say it’s black, he says it’s white. HAVE I BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK?!
I lost my fight.
But I defeated myself.
What the hell is wrong with me?
It’s best to keep the peace, I would tell myself. I love him, and he loves me. We all have to work together. That’s right! WE ALL DO. I stopped taking my medicine about a week and a half ago.
I am waking up.
Ha ha ha. This is what I do I guess… get overwhelmed and shut down. I have been thinking for years that a blog would be a great exercise…. for my brain. So here we go. Let me introduce myself…. and for safety… I will use a fake name…. hm…. how about Faith, because that’s what I’m running on most of the time. I have two children, and two step children. I am married, hence the step children, and live in a small town. I work, exercise, and basically live life… although sometimes it seems there is more to it.
.So, I’m married for the second time…. it’s challenging to say the least. Marriage is hard enough. And then some people decide they need another one. If you have children…. you still have to deal with the first husband… so you actually didn’t get rid of him…. you just get him part time. Then you, if you’re like me, get another…. because you’re a glutton for punishment. Then he comes with his own baggage for you to manage….. life just keeps pouring it on! Unless of course, your ex dies just as you decide you want out. Or you manage to find a wonderful new man who comes with no carry ons…. good luck ladies!
Basically, life is tough. And keeps handing you those lemons…. you just have to figure out how to keep enough sugar on hand…..